Direction in Life

There are times where the direction my life is going is very clear.  I know what I'm suppose to do and I do it.  Even times of big decision making, whether to move overseas, buy this house, marry this person, it was all very clear.


Lately though, I've been without a sense of direction.  Should we move or should we commute?  Should I work full time or part time?  Should we buy or should we rent?


There are no clear answers and none of the options feel right.  When we bought this house, we 'knew'.  When I married my husband, I 'knew'.  Now, I don't know so much.  


I was talking to my dear friend A.  She moved out West this past summer so now we have a weekly coffee date by phone.  She really spoke into this.  Through her own story she shared the same thing.  Nothing felt right.  No answer was the right one.  Then they were offered another option and they both 'knew'.  


I think we just need to wait while moving forward.  When no decision seems like the right one, it's probably not the best time to be making life changing choices.  


Until we 'know', we'll wait on it a bit.  

Sad Anniversary

Today is the 15th anniversary of a friend's suicide.  


We never saw it coming so we didn't do anything to stop it.  This many years later there is still no answer to the question "why?".


It's difficult to process it when there is no understanding of why someone would do such a thing.  Clearly it's beyond comprehension.  If I could go back in time, I'm not sure what I could have done differently.  


I read a book a number of years ago called The Enigma of Suicide by George Howe Colt, also called November of the Soul.   Amazing book.  Full of insight into suicide.  It changed my thinking.  I will still never know why but reading this has given me some pieces of the puzzle.  I understand a little bit more now than I did then.  


Has your life been touched my suicide?  Is there anything that has helped you process it?

Friday Photo

Failure and Reaching Goals

I’m Mrs. Who???

It was a difficult decision to take my husband’s last name when we got married.  I defined myself by my birth name.  That’s who I was.  Changing my name felt like I was turning into someone else.  I knew I wanted to get married.  I just wasn’t sure I wanted to be someone else.

For a number of years afterwards I felt strange using my new name.  I even had to create a new signature!  When I heard my new name, it felt as though people were talking about someone else.  It took me a long time to feel like that was really me.  

Women often define ourselves by our roles we play in each other's lives.  We are daughter, sister, niece, mother and wife.  Learning my new role was all the harder when I gave up my name to get there.  Do I regret it now?  Not at all.  But I have started to use my birth surname as my middle name again.  It's help me create the balance between who I was and who I am now.